my heart hurts

 Every second feels like another bullet has passed through my heart.

I miss you, I really wanna talk to you

I miss you..

 I'm sorry I took it out on you. I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted you to hear me out of why I felt lonely recently.

I just want your attention.

I didn't mean it. I honestly wanted you to give me 15mins to open up and listen while I'm vulnerable and sick at the same time. I just wanted to whine to you to comfort me and I'll feel better.

I really didn't know you only wanted to stream on weekdays. You only told me you wanted to start streaming daily and the past 2 weekends you were busy and going out. I really didn't know your schedule.. It wasn't on purpose..

I really want to talk to you. I know its only been like 2 days since I last contacted you but it felt like forever.

From the days we spent talking everyday and it came to a sudden halt, my brain could not process and I miss you dearly.

Its 2 days left to the new year and I couldn't make up with you. I don't want to end the year with you still being uncomfortable talking to me but I have to wait until Jessica talks to you.

I'm really sorry. I just really didn't know where to place my emotions. I've kept bottling up and it just manifested and I couldn't hold it in anymore and poured my feelings out.

I miss talking to you, I miss holding your hand and walking around aimlessly. I miss whispering sweet nothings to you and you the same to me. I loved our time together, I just want it more.

I'm so sorry that I kept lashing out at you whenever I'm upset. The whole month of December I was really trying my best even though you wanted time and I couldn't see you that often. I was frustrated at the pace we're going and I didn't know what we could do together to make it up.

I just really didn't want our relationship to be like my previous ones where I was hell bent on waiting for months and not receiving anymore love. I believe that you are different from him, I trust you but I just needed more affirmation so that I don't lose hope.

My depression relapsed the day we last talked, I couldn't eat. I had gastric issues, often puking nothing and my mom is worried about me and I couldn't even tell her I was depressed. I couldn't watch anything neither did I feel like playing anything. My whole world crashed and burned. My anxiety level reached the max and I couldn't do anything but wait cause you needed time away from me.

I wished our arguments never existed. I'm sorry about my behavior. I'll do my best to change. Please don't give up on me.. I want to cherish what we have and improve..
I need your help too..

I'm sorry HM. I'll do better.. I love you.